Thursday, April 19, 2007

Buh. The only way out is through, right? Tonight I have a couple of choices. The ex Mr. YP is coming over for dinner with the kids and I am trying to decide - do I stay home and watch one of my Netflix, or do I go off to the WeHo SnB and meet some new local knitters and be out and social? I am truly torn.

On one hand, I'm tired. I was at work at 6:30 this morning and I haven't had more than about 5 hours of sleep at a stretch all week. I'm stinky cos it was hot, I've been out and about in traffic all afternoon running errands and more driving sounds hideous. On the other hand? Knitters... farmers market... yarn... that sounds like so much fun! I think I need to branch out of my little cocoon a little bit. Maybe actually interact with people.

But here's the thing. I'm afraid of a room full of new people. I don't know if I feel brave enough for a room full of strangers tonight, even if they are all knitters. Maybe I'm not the best company, tired, stinky, depressed, shlumpy thing that I am this week. See, here I am talking myself out of it. It's such a long drive. Strangers. Blah, blah, blah. I'm really good at talking myself out of it and I am afraid and sad and being around people lately just seems to make me so much sadder.

Realistically, I work tomorrow and that means a 5:30 alarm. The smart thing would probably be staying home. And I am really so, so tired. And here's where being so tired and the apathy are starting to be dangerous. I realized today that I can't remember the last time I went into my yarn stash or got into my fiber/spindles and made yarn. I have a sock half finished on needles that I haven't touched. The painter's scarf is still half done and I want to finish it. They are just sitting in my backpack. I am just not getting any knitting time. I'm not *making* any knitting time. Or pottery time. Me time. All I do is work.

When J moved out, I got really scared about money and I stopped a lot of things. I stopped splurging in yarn stores, for one, and online for yarn. I stopped having my hair done. Stopped going to the MAC counter. Stopped buying new clothes. No shoes. I've been buying cheap shampoo, I've been really really stingy with myself. I have tried really hard not to let this impact my kids at all, so they still have internet, cable, we still get takeout that they like sometimes, I still try to give them spending money and make sure they have extras. I don't want them to suffer because their dad and I couldn't make our marriage work. Their dad is helping, don't get me wrong, I'm not all on my lonesome, but it is tight and there's no getting around that fact. So the one who has done without has been me. Hell, even the animals are still getting organic fancy food and designer litter.

Ya know what I realized about all that? I feel old and grey and unattractive on most days. And poor. And depressed, every time I look in my mirror. Because maybe I've denied myself a little too much. So today I said "fuck the budget" and went to LUSH to buy soap because it is one of the few things that I still allow myself to spend money on. And while I was at it, I got a large bottle of my favorite shampoo, conditioner and a bath bomb. Er. Two. And blueberry face mask. I will probably have to juggle a few things around financially now to cover this but honestly, I can actually cover it. Yes it means saying no to something else, but I can do that. Maybe it will be worth it. We'll see. I'm not sorry I spent the money on myself. I am considering shelling out for a haircut. Anything to make me feel less like frump girl. Maybe it's okay to use the good shampoo even if I'm a single mother now. Maybe it won't land my kids in the poorhouse.

I'm still on a yarn diet though. My stash is plentiful.

So I think probably I'll skip the SnB this time around, I really just lack sufficient force to get past my own inertia. I'm leaning towards making an actual good dinner that is not a. hummus plate b. salsa and chips (yes, that's a frequent dinner around here) c. TJ's frozen teriyaki chicken. A healthy dinner? I can do that. A bath, I can do that too. Maybe I'll feel up to the SnB next week. Maybe making a little time just to eat well, enjoy my new bath goodie and treat myself to a full night of sleep is a good first step on the road back to knitting, creativity and friends.

It's a step, anyway, where ever it goes.

3 comments:

geogrrl said...

Pampering is always good, and perhaps that's what you need along with some rest.

I identify with feeling old and frumpy. With my schedule the way it's been the last year or so, attention to what I look like has gone by the wayside, which tends to pay hell with my self-esteem.

But don't stop going out. I tend to feel too tired and blah to go out, but when I do go to one of my stitching groups I always enjoy myself and was glad I went. Do not let yourself become a hermit--it makes things worse, not better.

Ragnar said...

I think you should break out some stashed yarn and go play with the new kids. Meeting new people will help with that lonely feeling...of course if it was me I wouldn't do that, I'd go to bed at 8:00 and eat ice cream straight out of the carton, but in my double standard universe you should go out and meet new people! Best of luck.

Roxie said...

It has been my experience that knitters are kind and gentle people. When you do go to SnB, look for someone sitting by herself looking a little nervoous and go sit with her. Being kind to someone else always gets me past the "What if no one likes me?" stage.

I love LUSH! Nurture your spirit and pamper your body. It will make you a better, more successful mom.