Wednesday, December 21, 2005

HA! I made it to the Awful. I think some of the boxes might get there for Boxing Day, but that's ok. I no longer suck quite so bad.

A few Holiday Truisms:

1. The mall parking lot will be hell on December 21st. The interior of the mall itself will be worse.
2. Old Navy will make the parking lot look like heaven.
3. When trying on Old Navy cargo pants, always remember that your arse is not going to fit into the pants that are ostensibly your "size" and you will have to size up 2-3 levels. At which point, you'll get so depressed you won't want to buy them so don't even bother.
4. Lane Bryant has raised their prices. You can't afford that cabled, wool/angora blend hoodie for $70, so don't even go flip the tag over and lo.... I said don't.... er... I... see, you NEVER LISTEN TO ME. You can't afford it.
5. You will not make it any farther than Lane Bryant because once you round that corner and the full impact of "MALL" hits you, you will do what you always do and get the heck outta Dodge.
6. No matter how dog proof you think things are, the puppy will find a way to dismember a few ornaments, eat an entire chocolate bar and a bag of sugar free peanut brittle and then throw up on the sofa.
7. When you cast off that sock you've been rushing to finish, you will realize it is a FULL INCH shorter than the matching sock because you didn't compare them before turning the heel. Because you are lame. LAME KNITTER.
8. Holiday elves are not going to clean the house for you. Give up all hope, ye who enter here.

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